Few things are as memorable as how embarrassing your parents used to seem.
It used to be mortifying to even be seen with your parents – as if all the other kids grew from a special plant in their backyard.  You didn’t want any of your friends to know you had parents! Especially your parents – the ones who took interest in everything you did, who tried too hard to be “cool” and who sometimes got along with your friends better than you did.  Plain and simple – you just didn’t want to be seen with your folks.
As an adult, it’s difficult to understand what is going on in a teenager’s mind.  Thankfully, I remember a few key happenings to help get the cobwebs out if you have forgotten what about your parents was so mortifying back in the day.  Maybe you can relate. But somehow, I doubt it.
The Stoneburner children were very active in music in high school – if not by choice, we were in it because Dad forced us.
“Here’s your saxophone, now sign up for band.”
“Fine, Dad, but does Mom need to bring her binoculars to all of my concerts?”
Yes, she does.  And, bless her heart, she’s willing to share and will offer the Bushnells twice to each of the parents within a 10-foot radius since the majority will refuse to partake in habits that should be reserved for viewing wildlife in the back 40. Honestly, since the binoculars didn’t resemble anything built with a sleek design, she could have been more discreet bringing a telescope.
Thankfully, concerts only rolled around a few times per year, and if we were lucky they would set up the spotlights in the gymnasium and dim the lights in the audience.  Sadly, a more regular occurrence was getting picked up from school.
Since we lived a ways out of town, our bus ride home was nearly an hour long.  Mom was gracious enough to pick us up most days.  However, the two minutes it took for her drive across the parking lot, pick us up and get onto “safe ground” felt like two hours.  I remember cringing as our family’s urine-colored rusty old beater wood-hauling truck came bouncing up to those school doors. Some days I wished I had ridden the bus. At least the bus didn’t stop at all the neighborhood garage sales on the way home.
April Fools’ Day of my brother’s senior year may have topped them all. My mother thought it would be a “nice surprise” to set up shop and play her accordion at the school. Not for show-n-tell or anything – just for fun in the high school cafeteria during my brother’s lunch. Imagine how my brother felt when his friends asked if it was his mom standing next to the industrial-sized garbage can playing the Beer Barrel Polka. Probably similar to how my parents felt when they came home that night and couldn’t get in the driveway because my brother threw a party to serve as revenge.
Or parents’ nights when my parents would show up four minutes after my name was called, leaving me to stand alone in the middle of the gym parentless with the entire town watching, wondering whether I’m an orphan. But wait! Once the game starts, a familiar voice is heard above the rest. Does Mr. Stoneburner realize his cussing and swearing is audible throughout the entire gym as he expresses his disappointment in his child’s performance (or lack thereof)? And what is Mrs. Stoneburner holding to her face? Is she now utilizing two sets of binoculars?
And then there was the time my mom showed up to my after-prom party at 3 a.m. just to make sure I was having fun…. Or the time they signed me up for a sex education class and waited until they dropped me off at church to expose the minor detail of what the class was about. Then, they had the nerve to ask for details on “how it went” after they picked me up. … Or the fact that they didn’t allow us gals to shave our legs until we grew old enough to not have to look like gorillas anymore….
I suppose embarrassing your children to some extent is inevitable… but boy, oh, boy my parents had it mastered.
Shootin’ the Wit is a column about everyday life that should never, ever be taken too seriously.

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I’m a writer and photographer who loves old cars, big dogs and trying stuff for the first time. I believe everyone should have a bucket list because life isn’t about working, paying bills and having the latest and greatest. It’s about experiences. Achieving goals. People. Adventures. Travel.

I’ve never dyed my hair, broken a bone, or watched a Star Wars movie, and I don’t plan on doing any of these.