Anyone with a gym membership knows the type of people you encounter when working out. Things can get rather interesting – and I’m not just referring to a clanking treadmill or a squeaky elliptical.

 

And so, I present to you, my list.

Top 11 people you’re bound to meet at the gym:

1.) GRUNTING GREG
Is this guy working his legs or his vocals? Since you can hear him from across the gym over the blaring stereo system and your own personal headset, you think he may need help. A painful scream followed by the slamming of weights makes you wonder whether you should be calling an ambulance.

2.) STARING SAMMY
Dripping with sweat and short of breath, you’re working on finishing up the last few minutes of your cardio. Over struts Staring Sammy, who gets on the machine beside you, even though nearly every other machine is vacant. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice she won’t stop looking at you or the numbers on your machine. You’re not sure whether she wants to race on the treadmills or wants to see if you’re working as hard as you appear. Either way, it’s annoying and everyone wishes she would mind her own business.

3.) SUSIE SHOWOFF
You attend a group exercise class for the first time. You don’t know what to expect. You’re nervous and once the instructor begins the class, you quickly discover you look like an uncoordinated fool. To make matters worse, Susie Showoff, who hasn’t missed a class since she was five, has the entire routine down pat – including extra kicks, steps and arm swirls. It is impossible to avoid taking note of how ambitious this lady is, as she is always at least a half of a step in front of the instructor. Obviously, she needs a bigger challenge.

4.) WAITING WAYNE
This guy can really tick a person off. It seems he purposely follows you wherever you go, to stand there and make it obvious that he’s waiting to use the machine you’re on, the space you’re using or the weights you’re lifting. Nothing quite like feeling you’re constantly in this guy’s way!

5.) REEKIN’ RYAN
You don’t find many minty-fresh, shower-clean people roaming around the gym. You’ll usually find yourself next to someone with a moist-looking shirt who doesn’t smell the best, which is to be expected. However, some people do what they can to prevent this. Fragrance overloaders saturate their outfits with perfume or cologne. You can practically see the trail of scent they leave behind. Though the effort is appreciated, it’s apparent that they are overcompensating for some type of hygiene problem, but the aroma is so strong that it’s tough to know for sure.

6.) OWNER OWEN
You can tell by watching him that this guy owns the gym. You feel uncomfortable on “his” side of the gym, because obviously you are not strong enough to be there. Unless this guy gets over himself, you’re better off leaving his territory and returning later.

7.) BLABBERING BETTY
This person is hilarious. You see them at the facility every time you go – no matter what day or time. The funny thing is, the only thing you ever see them do is talk.

8.) ROAMING RACHEL
This person either came because they’re bored or their friend dragged them along. You can tell by their machine hopping that they would rather do anything than break a sweat. Not spending more than four minutes on a machine, this person obviously gets bored easily.

9.) MUCUS MARK
About four minutes into this guy’s cardio routine, he begins clearing his throat. At seven minutes, the clearing becomes more audible. After ten minutes, the clearing becomes coughing. Around the fourteen minute mark, the guy sounds like he has pneumonia. Soon, every thirty seconds, your ears are struck with a soul-shattering hacking noise and you begin wondering whether this guy is going to spew on the treadmill. Anyone just entering the scene at this point wonders why the cardio room is nearly vacant at what is usually the busiest time.

10.) OLYMPIAD OLIVER
These people are awesome. They are working their tail off when you get there, and when you leave… they’re doing the same thing. Almost completely drenched, they look like they’ve been going at it for quite a while, and they could care less what anyone else thinks. Everyone wonders how one can have that much dedication and endurance.

11.) BETTY THE BARBIE
Betty the Barbie always has her hair down, jewelry on, and make-up in tact. Her new shoes perfectly coordinate with her pretty little pink outfit – both of which are brand new. Watching her prance around, it becomes evident that she likes to “work out” because there are a lot of mirrors at the gym.

There you have it. There’s my list of the most common people you’ll meet at the gym. Now, of course these aren’t the only categories. In fact, you may have found that you do not fit into any of the groups. Well, maybe you’re like me, spending most of your time pretending to stretch and do sit-ups while secretly evaluating and categorizing each member. In fact, now that I think about it, perhaps this list should have been a Top 12…

Shootin’ the Wit is a weekly column about everyday life that should never, ever be taken too seriously.