The things we do to keep traditions alive…

If there’s a time known for traditions, it’s right now – the holiday season. While some people are excited about this time of year, there are others who would prefer to take cover until after New Years.

Sure, this time can be pretty entertaining. However, the season can also be downright challenging! When you’ve got events to plan for, baking to do, gifts to buy, and a family to coordinate, having a string of holidays with little or no break between is frazzling.

In my opinion, the season kicks off with the spooky, yet humorous event some goon named Halloween. People wait all year for this. Well, not wait – more like plan. They get their costume together and show it off at every Halloween-type event they can find.

The very next day, while Halloween lovers continue to make fools of themselves by refusing to put the costume away, Thanksgiving enters the picture. Store shelves are decked out with fall colors. Jack-o-lanterns are made into pumpkin pie. Finally, almost a month later, Thanksgiving Thursday is upon us. Hopefully by then you’ve perfected your eating skills and you’ve dug out the ol’ “fat pants,” because this holiday consists of some of the most delicious food you’ll eat all year – not including your leftover Halloween candy.

The turkey hangover is still in effect when Black Friday greets us. Why is it called Black Friday? Considering stores become grounds for Ultimate Fighting on Black Friday, I think it would be safe to say the day got its name from the record number of black eyes and bruises hockey moms give each other fighting over the last Wii on the shelf. People go nuts. Bottled up greed is released, causing stampedes which often lead to injuries. Maybe before Christmas officially sets in, people want to expel built up nastiness, cruelty and rudeness before they’re expected to be loving, caring and generous.

Anyway, the next several weeks go by with similar, milder experiences. Forget a shopping cart – it’s about as maneuverable as carrying a couch up a spiral staircase. Parking lots? You might as well walk to the mall. Cashiers will forever be behind. You’ll never be the first, second, third, fourth, fifth or sixth person in line. You’ll always find yourself behind the person pushing a cart containing a mound the size of Kilimanjaro. Even though it looks like the customer has one of every item in the store, they’ll still have the cashier run around the store for ten minutes searching for the merchandise the customer couldn’t find. Meanwhile, fuse running short, you’ll stand in line empty handed, waiting to approach the register so you can make your 20-second purchase in the form of a 2×3 piece of plastic which you’ll pay $35 for, only to place it in an envelope with a note apologizing for your lack of creativity. All the while you’re left to wonder whether the receiver will use the gift card or if they fall into the category of the 30% that allow a gift card to expire, unused.

During this time, we put up trees in our homes and from the branches we hang fragile glass ornaments with annoying hooks. We hang stockings with our names from mantles. We spend hours straining our brains and wallets in efforts to find the right gift for the special someone and wrap it in tacky Santa Claus paper. We sing along to the Christmas jams played over and over and over and over again on every radio station and in every store or business until finally, three weeks before the big day, you can’t take it anymore and devise a plan for staying out of public.

Finally, Christmas Day comes. You attend a church service, eat a nice meal, open gifts, have awkward conversations with distant relatives, and it’s over.

Then it’s exchange time. The too-small outfit from the mother-in-law who insists you need to drop a few, the hideous picture frame that doesn’t match anything you own because it’s… well, ugly, and another sweater from your mom that she thinks is “totally your style.” Unfortunately, return lines will be just as long as the lines the giver had to wait in to buy the item.

At this point, we only have one more holiday to look forward to: The big bash… New Years! You either bring in the New Year with a kiss, or you awkwardly watch everyone around you bring in the New Year with a kiss. Just hope you’re not sitting next to a weirdo who feels this would be the perfect time to make a move.

Then comes our time to resolve to be better people, eat less, do more, be different… only to forget the resolutions less than a month later.

Then wait ten months; holidays scattered throughout, and repeat.

It makes no difference whether or not you enjoy the holiday season, as there is no avoiding it. ‘Cause after all, it’s a tradition!

Have fun. Be Safe. Happy Holidays!

Shootin’ the Wit is a weekly column about everyday life that should never, ever be taken too seriously.