Come flu season, I load up on orange juice and try to get as much sleep as my schedule allows. My master plan must work – I haven’t had the flu since I was in third grade (knock on wood). Hopefully bragging about the fact won’t jinx the good luck I’ve had.

This contagious respiratory illness makes getting your teeth pulled sound like fun. Lingering memories of the flu from over 15 years ago indicate how prominent the symptoms of this illness are. Missing school suddenly wasn’t so cool. Class was way better than lying on our sofa like a dead fish.

Sweating one moment, shivering the next, I remember feeling nauseous as the aroma of tacos drifted from the kitchen. Even after I was well again, it took me years to regain an appetite for tacos.

Spending a few achy days coughing, sniffling and vomiting isn’t exactly desirable. Add a high fever, headache and a sore throat, and you’ve got a recipe for a few of the worst days you can imagine. If you’re really unlucky, the flu can cause serious complications: bacterial pneumonia, dehydration, and worsening of chronic medical conditions (heart failure, asthma or diabetes). Dreaded!

According to the Center for Disease Control, the flu is usually spread in the form of respiratory droplets from coughing or sneezing. It’s also possible to become infected by touching something containing the virus and proceeding to touch your mouth, nose or eyes.

The CDC also informs us that healthy adults may be able to infect others one day before getting symptoms and up to five days after getting sick. Does this make anyone else want to wear a gas mask 24/7? Do you find yourself evaluating the risk level of giving high fives during the flu season? Am I a bad person for wishing a sick friend weren’t along for the ride when they’re inches away talking about their “bathroom experiences” this week?

They say the single best way to protect yourself against the flu is to get vaccinated each year. This is likely why hundreds of people rush to hospitals and clinics… only to get sick the next day.

Or is that just my imagination? I’ve never had the shot, but I seem to hear an awful lot of complaining from flu shot believers when they get sick after receiving the vaccination. In the last week, two of my friends declined plans claiming that they “got the flu shot yesterday, so they’re sick today.” They say it as if they expected this would be the result, so why’d they spend the money to get sick?

Nurses insist it’s just a coincidence. They say that just because two things happen at similar times doesn’t mean one is the cause of the other. They claim it’s similar to purchasing a winning lottery ticket on the way home from the doctor’s office after your shot. Not related.

Baloney! When you inject a dead or weakened virus into your body, what do you expect? I think I’d rather chug a glass of orange juice every morning and steer clear of people who get “the shot.”

Hopefully I won’t find myself regretting my decision, immobile on my couch this winter.

Now go wash your hands!

Shootin’ the Wit is a weekly column about everyday life that should never, ever be taken too seriously.