Over the past two years, there have been 15 reports of unwanted visitors in the F-M area. Fifteen! When this insanity began, I hoped that it was one man committing all of the bizarre acts. Instead, police have come to discover several creepers in the area. About half of these cases have gone unsolved…Scary!

These incidents began to worry me a little. And by “a little” I mean “a lot”. If I awoke to a man watching me sleep, I’d never be able to erase it from my memory. I would be afraid to close my eyes. Come to think of it, I’m not sure I’d ever be able fall asleep again. Not without nightmares anyway.

This left me wondering… can a renter install security systems in apartments? Does the police motto “to serve and protect” include sitting outside my place, keeping an eye out for random acts of insanity? Are there places to rent a date for an evening? If so, do you have to pay extra for them to stay on guard overnight while you peacefully get your beauty sleep? Do you have to be famous to have a bodyguard?

I hashed the issue over with my mom one afternoon. I was rather concerned, and decided to start preparing before I found a masked man in my bedroom. While mace would have been the most practical solution to defend myself, we were brainstorming less conventional defense methods. Mom’s idea was to keep a slingshot next to my bed.

Great idea, Mom. Let’s see… I’ve shot a slingshot about three times in my life. This was used as a form of self defense when I was about to get mauled by my older brother about 13 years ago. I have a feeling my shot hasn’t improved much since then. Add to the equation complete darkness, being groggy, and a situation about as comforting as hanging from your fingertips off a cliff. I’d be impressed if I could hit a bedroom wall in such circumstances, let alone a scrappy criminal. Needless to say, unless the predator belongs in a Hall-of-Fame for cowards, my flinging of stones likely wouldn’t stop him. Plastering an alarm system sticker on my door would be easier, and probably more effective.

As a more feasible weapon, I was thinking along the lines of a Louisville Slugger. Now, my batting average may not be the best, but I know how to swing! I’m pretty certain your aim doesn’t have to be perfect in order to beat one of these nutcases down to the floor.

Barring my windows and setting up little “traps” in my apartment were other ideas. You know – the typical mouse traps, discrete obstacles, or “tripping strings” were all ideas, but somehow a baseball bat just seems like more fun. After all, who cares if the creeper runs into a piece of strategically placed furniture? I do that on a daily basis and it doesn’t keep me from doing what I want to do.

It’s tempting to replicate the scene from Home Alone where Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) sets up his living room to make it look like he’s got a full house. Cardboard cutouts are placed on toy train tracks, and dummies are tied to strings which he ends up dancing with. Music is blaring, the lights are on. Regardless of how crazy a creeper is, I expect he would avoid entering such a happenin’ party. Setting up my living room like this would be a blast. Although my neighbors would think I’m pretty cool, I suppose a security system might be more practical. Besides, I broke my train track a long, long time ago.

Some more realistic suggestions, for people having similar concerns…

GET A DOG
Dogs are an excellent defense mechanism, and I’m not talking about a little Poodle. Try a Labrador Retriever or a Doberman Pincher… one with teeth large enough to sink through an arm.

LOCK UP
Several of the incidences reported mentioned that the doors were unlocked. Can we please do away with the “We’re in Fargo” excuse and start locking our doors? If you’re going to leave your home open to the public, you might as well make it easier for crackpots of the world and hang a neon “open” sign above your door.

SHUT THE SHADES
Keeping your shades drawn prevents burglars from taking a gander in and adding to their shopping list.

TAKE A SELF DEFENSE CLASS
Knowing how and where to kick is key!

GIVE THE IMPRESSION YOU’RE HOME
While the Home Alone scene may be going a little overboard, setting up a scaled down version is a good idea. Leave some lights or a radio on. A person could consider investing in a fake TV which simulates the flashing images of a TV, but uses much less electricity. (Visit www.faketv.com for more information.)

KEEP A WEAPON ON HAND
If you’re not comfortable with a gun, consider mace, a baseball bat, or like you see in the movies, a frying pan. If you’re paranoid, keep all four on or near your nightstand.

AN ESCAPE PLAN
Find a place to hide or a way get out without being hurt.

INSTALL A SECURITY SYSTEM
If you’re not technically savvy, hire someone to do it! After all, it would be a shame to spend the time and money installing a system incorrectly… it could get stolen!!

KNOW YOUR NEIGHBORS
Their constant presence may get on your nerves, but you’ll want their snoopy eyes watching out for unwanted folk lurking around your home. Sure, she’s weird, but having Nosey Nancy Newman calling the second she sees something suspicious could thwart the oddball’s attempt at getting into your place.

VIDEO TAPE
Hopefully it won’t come down to this, but you may want to record a little “virtual tour” of your living quarters, your belongings and any valuables, just in case you find yourself in the unfortunate situation of having to make an insurance claim.

Shootin’ the Wit is a weekly column about everyday life that should never, ever be taken too seriously.