I once was a waitress. In fact, I had my fair share of bartending, serving and cocktail waitressing. The job had its ups and downs, but let me give you a hint – it’s a lot of work. There were many-a-time when dealing with certain customers wasn’t worth the tip they left.

Not sure why I got into this work, considering what I heard of my mother’s waitressing experiences in high school. Anyone who serves iced tea by tossing a few ice cubes into a cup of hot tea either hasn’t had proper training or just isn’t meant to be a waitress. I guess this would explain her “tip” written on a napkin which suggested using an umbrella when it rains.

There are a few types of customers I constantly found myself dealing with… I’ll break it down.

The Romantically Mushy Love Birds
These guys are great. As their server, I felt as if I interrupted something every time I stepped within eight feet of their table – even when I was bringing them the plate of spaghetti they ordered to share. Many hold hands across the table. Others share one side of the booth, cuddling up as if they’re at home on their couch.

The Fighters
A couple, obviously on each other’s nerves, strolls in. Before even greeting the table, one can see it’s not a good situation. The woman is on her cell phone, venting about how big of a jerk he his. Turned away from her date, she tries to ignore him. The guy pretends not to notice and is watching the game on the closest T.V. Stupidly, you ask how they’re doing. No response. Marvelous. Rest assured, if they want anything, they have to talk to the server. The man orders drink after drink while his girl’s anger steadily elevates. Then it all goes down. The guy starts hitting on you. Keeping your tip in mind, you try to remain friendly, while preparing yourself to be chased down by this woman with a swinging purse and a nail file.  I’ll give The Fighters the award for creating the most awkward situation of all.

The Unhealthy Eaters
I found it hardest to keep up with these folks. They’d slurp at least three glasses of Coke before their appetizer made it to the table. Their double bacon cheeseburger would vanish in no time, causing their hungry eyes to follow my every move until I finally brought them their cheesecake. Wow. I always wondered what would happen if they had a heart attack when walking out the door.

The Birds
Contrary to The Unhealthy Eaters, these people eat a small fraction of what they order. They gleefully nod their head when you ask whether everything tastes alright, but when the entire entrée remains untouched for the remainder of the meal, a server begins to doubt the truth was told. Did I bring them the wrong meal? Was it cold? Did they find a hair and are too embarrassed to tell me? Do they have an eating disorder? Do they even want to be here? Are they talking too much to eat? Is it not what they thought they ordered? Are they aware it’s theirs? Did I bring them silverware? Why would they order something if they weren’t hungry? Should I bring a to-go box?

The Inconveniently Needy
These people made me want to cry. Every time I’d come back to the table, they would need something else. Part of being a server, right? Right. But it was as if they planned it. Hear me out: “Okay! Do you fine folks need anything else right away?” “Yeah. I would like a side of Ranch.” “Okay. I’ll go grab that!” (Grab Ranch, return to the table). “Here you are, sir. Anything else?” Another guest requests some more crackers. “Sure thing! I’ll go grab them!” (Grab crackers, return to the table). “There you go! Anything else?” “Oh yeah. I forgot to ask for extra pickles. Can I get more?” “You bet! I’ll be right back with those!” After running back and forth to the kitchen five times in a row for one table, I learned to stop asking whether they wanted anything else.

The Curious 
These people are beyond belief. Before even handing them a menu, they’re firing question after question about what’s on the menu, what it’s like and what I recommend, to which they would respond with an argument about why my recommendation wasn’t worthy. They ask questions that completely depend on personal preference, like “Is it spicy?” or “is that drink really strong?” The Curious aren’t afraid to shoot you down. After all, they’re just asking out of curiosity: “How’s the Veggie and Fruit Salad?” “Pretty decent, if you like fruit, vegetables, and salad,” I’d reply. “Okay. I’ll have the steak with mashed potatoes. Skip the salad. I don’t need any of that junk filling me up.” Even more frustrating was the question about whether we could still make something that used to be on the menu. Okay, given it was on the menu at one time, and no longer is, there’s probably a reason other than to upset our regulars… but let me go see if we have a spare runner-boy back in the kitchen who’s willing to hop over to the store to grab the ingredients it takes to make the no-longer-available menu item for you. Not a problem. Meanwhile, you can sit back, relax, and stare impatiently at me for the next hour and a half while all kitchen employees are in dismay over your order.

The Saviors
Just as I was about to chuck my apron at the hosts for continually seating my section with ogres, they would lead the ideal customer to one of my tables. These people made everything okay. They were grateful, respectful and friendly. Helping me forget that I was at work, The Saviors were an absolute pleasure to serve. Sometimes I felt like I should be tipping them!

I made good money serving, and at times enjoyed it quite a bit. In fact, if it weren’t for most of the above mentioned groups, I’d consider it easy money.

Shootin’ the Wit is a weekly column about everyday life that should never, ever be taken too seriously.