You can tell a lot about a person by their marshmallow-roasting strategies.  I believe there are two main kinds of marshmallow roasters.  Group 1 claims their marshmallows taste better.  Group 2 claims they can make well over ten marshmallows for every one that is cooked by a member of group 1.  Each group believes their way is superior to the other. 

You know the drill… If you’re really roughin’ it, the first step is finding the perfect branch to roast your snack on:

Members of group 1, the patient (wise) people, spend their time digging through the sumac in effort to retrieve the perfect three-pronged branch.  This could take anywhere from two to 18 minutes, depending on how devoted the person is.  Once the branch is found, they carefully carve each tip to a sharp point for easy application of a marshmallow.

Members of group 2, the more practical, less patient people, snatch the first branch (dead or alive) that is easy to rip off a limb. No pocket knife needed… people from this group simply shove a few marshmallows over the bark of their branch.

Group 1 is careful to hold their marshmallows a good distance (12-16 feet) away from the fire to get golden brown, beautiful-looking marshmallows in an average of about an hour. 

Carefully avoiding ashes, group 2 pokes their marshmallows as close to the coals as they can until the marshmallow starts on fire.  They proceed to rotate their marshmallows to ensure they are burned evenly, and then blow them out.  Wait three seconds, and their fried-crispy snack is ready to enjoy… unless of course, you dont like your marshmallows burned, in which case a membership with group 1 should be sought.

I should mention there is a third group in which members attempt to be associated with group 1.  Their roasting goes well until they stop paying attention for a second too long or until their marshmallow falls into the fire. These in-betweeners have good intentions, high expectations, and bad luck. 

Group 1 has the privilege of being the main feature at every campfire.  Kids flock to members of this group, requesting help with their s’mores.  People admire how appetizing and picture-worthy their roasted delight appears. Group 2 members tend to be envious resulting in smart remarks about their timeliness (or lack thereof). Members of group 1 appear to be tidy, flawless, and picky.

Being a member of group 2 isn’t so bad. Who wants to help everyone else roast their marshmallows, anyway? You learn to truly enjoy the taste of the overcooked treat, and you pride yourself in being more efficient than group 1.  Until you can convince group 1 members that you actually enjoy the taste of your campfire cooking, you may be viewed as a sloppy, careless cook, but keep in mind there are plenty of things to make fun of group 1 for.  Members of group 2 appear to be swift, laidback, and hungry.

Shootin’ the Wit is a weekly column about everyday life that should never, ever be taken too seriously.